Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Your dad touched me again.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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