i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
