I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
