Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
