Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
3pm strippers are depressing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
