You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
BRING THE BAGELS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
