I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
