My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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