God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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