How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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