my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
