I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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