I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
