I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
