I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
