I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
