I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
