Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
