Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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