So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
