Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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