wrigley field is MILF paradise
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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