You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
