I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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