I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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