I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
