Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
