Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
