I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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