If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
