Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
