I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
