I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
