U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
