I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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