Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
