my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
