Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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