i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
