Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
