I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
