Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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