Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
