I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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