So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
