Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
