I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
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