I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my shit smells like andre
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
