So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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