fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
