i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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